Confession 82 – Victim of Incest

When I was nine I was sexually abused by my older brother who was 13 at the time. Those assaults lasted for some time, until I guess he grew out of it. I never told anyone about those incidents and I just learned to try to act as if they never happened. But as hard as I tried I couldn’t stop it from messing me up.

Growing up I found myself struggling with my sexuality. Even though I think that I have homosexual preferences I keep running away from any relationship once it starts getting sexual. It’s not that I don’t like sex because believe me I like it too much for my own good, it’s sexual encounters that I fear the most. I just can’t think of sex as a result of a loving relationship, to me sex could never mix with love. Sexual encounters tainted my life, how can I choose to go there!

I’ve been living in the shame of letting that happen to me when I was old enough to just say no. Sometimes I think that I allowed it to happen because of the attention that he was given me, which I never received from anyone else. I can’t blame him without blaming myself, because I could have said no. I guess I’m just another victim of incest, or another attention whore! I’ll leave it for you to decide.

And please I don’t need anyone of you smart asses to give me some of your stupid “tough love”. When we come here to confess we expose ourselves, we’re being vulnerable and trust me the last thing that we need is you all acting as if you’re better than us because you had easier lives! Who are you to judge us based on our suffering! I guess I’m getting carried away so I’ll just wrap this up.

Confession 81 – Friend Zone

I go to a Private English School, some people automatically assume that a girl that goes there is 9i3a ri7a fiha. But as we all know that is a load of bull,or at least we should.Ive never had something dramtically terrible happen to me. The worst i can say is when last year my Arabic Tutor (who works at my school and teaches my friends and who i look to as a grandmother-type)..yeah well her 73 year old husband tried to make a move on me when cornered in an elevator. Nothing happened, and im not traumatised or any of that. As sad as it is, this is kuwait, so this happens to ALL girls at one point or another, even if not exaclty like this.

At school people think im this constantly happy person, that i live a completely carefree, sadeness-free life, just because i plaster this giant smile on my face. And Im fine with that, im not the type of girl to start crying in public or whatever. Maybe thats why almost all my friends are guys. Cause i cant handle the drama. I’m always with guys, if it was anyone else the school would think they’re a slut, but for some reason they make an exception for me. i guess they know i dont do it on purpose, its just..EASIER with guys. they more open, u dont have to worry aout them being all bitchy or P.M.S-y or having to hide things, like pretending u didnt get the inennuendo in what that guy jut said.

Here’s the thing though. You know that all dreaded “friend zone”? Yeah, well i live there. Theres a property in my name. A whole frikken street named after me. A guy i have had feelings for has EVER so much as considered me. Its reached the point where i’ve TRAINED my self to cage in emotions towards someone. I just hold it in, pretend it doesnt exist cause i know that nothing will come of it. I’ve only ever told a guy i liked him once and he just…stoppd existing. Wouldt look at me, or talk to me, aknowledge me, even though he had been my best friend the year before.

Im not ugly.. i know that , although i also know im not gorgeous..its my personality. Its one that screams DO NOT LIKE ME. LETS PLAYS OCCER INSTEAD. People tell me its a good thing, but wat do they know. It hurts. As soon as i can feel myselse falling for someone, this voice in my head goes “You stupid Idiot. Dont do this to yourself. It will never work. Kill it now before you end up getting REALLY hurt.”

And now i really have FALLEN for someone.Like really. Ive been pushing these feeling away for a eally long time..But its official now. And it kills cause hes my BEST friend(who also RELATED)- so i mean really BEST BEST friend’s ale best friend. And i know she would be COMPLETELY against it , because she hates the mere idea that we get together (not that ive ever brought it up, someone just joked about it once.)
And im never gonna do anything about it. He date

Confession 80 – Spirit Faded to Black

My soul and spirit have faded to black.. I think only of vengeance.. My heart has been filled with HATE.. I constantly wonder; how long one can go through life with these kind of feelings inside them? It is ever consuming, by day, by night, even when I sleep the darkness touches my dreams!

I seem to have an excellent knack for letting other use me as they see fit.. No matter what the cost to me is.. Always, I give.. Never do I receive.. And I ask for so little.. I am not high maintenance, I take care of myself when allowed.. I have such few needs, but the ones that I do have, they appear to be impossible for others to satisfy.. And when I still receive nothing, I still give..

So, now.. Now I have had enough of letting myself be abused.. I have had enough with the mind games.. I have had enough with people playing with my heart and mind. And now, now I seek vengeance!

What the hell is wrong with me? To want to hurt someone that I love so deeply.. How does ones spirit get to the stage where vengeance is what it feeds it? I do know that it is not normal.. But how do you stop feeling like that?

Every time that I try to stop my self, I find that i cannot… And every time that I try to talk to about my problem, I hit a brick wall.. Why would someone listen, but stand by and do nothing? How can a human stand by and watch another human fall apart? How can someone have the power to help, or do something, and yet stand by and do nothing?

I know, that’s an awful lot of hows and whys there, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what the heck I am doing.. I cannot for the life of me understand.. And the more that I do try, well the worse my hatred becomes..

I have so much hate inside me, that I want to destroy my self, before I can cause any more harm to the ones that I love.. And that’s not right either.. But, I am running out of options..

…   …   …

Confession 79 – Cousin’s Dilemma

Hey again!

It’s the second confession here well it’s not a confession just something on my mind mm I secretly talk to my GUY cousin on MSN! without my mum knowing! well mum is not OPEN-MINDED about being friends with a GUY! and I dont know why! but this cousin bel thaaat is like HATED men keel el family EXCEPT ME! my other girl cousin who is my best friend thinks he’s a very rude person and according to what she says only hurt me just about time that I’ll start realizing how much of a jerk he is ! and all of that because they dont get along ! well there some other cousin that used to be really close to him and at the end he said some really cruel stuff to her! well a lot have happened m3a this guy! LIKE ALOOOOT  mn 3 years taqreeban I talk to him so there was ALOT OF DRAMA! like if i wanted to write about it, it would take a whole book! kena really close fl beady bas I did some childish stuff! and his reaction was more childish! so we drifted apart for some time and then got back to being friends bs still not like before and he changed alot in the time we were apart he travelled with some guys who had a bad influence on him and he CHANGED! started ignoring some times! saying BRB and not coming back ! and saying HI once a week if I was lucky while b4 we used to talk DAILY! and its like vie been living on this hope that he’ll be THAT person again but that never happens! it happens like once a month and then the next day he’s back to his habits and thats just the way it is since ive added him its like one month we’re great and the next month I hate him then I delete him; then I miss him then I re-add him & again we fight and its all over AGAIN! he says one nice thing to me and am back am not like that with anyone else like seriously a7s he controls my brain!! y3ne you know its like one day a month he’s the sweetest person in the whole world and we talk for an hour or two and it erases all of his rudeness through out the past month is that crazy? its like I feel I can’t have him in my life YET

I cant live without him! its either friends or khalif its like i never knew you! u know what do I mean! all of this is just way too confusing alot of ppl say he’s a player; a bad boy!! bas wallah a7s they never saw his good side; I dont want to judge him based on other people’s experiences! like there are people who does alot of stuff that are WORST!  no one says anything about hl nas + Ive had a crush on this cousin for some time and got over it but I  cant explain what am going through like why the hell would I be here STILL talking about him & making excuses for him if I didn’t have feelings for him! el meshkela I don’t want to admit it to my self because a part of me knows is never gonna happen and that he’s just gonna break my heart eventually! bas there’s this other part that screams! “you’re meant to be” while on the other hand! being around such a PERFECT human being! he goes to a great college + he looks really good! it makes me think am WELA SHAY inah he’s too good for me oo inah am not good enough and all of those negative thoughts kills me wallah! it causes serious depression; sometimes I don’t eat anything for days! and it also makes me cry my self to sleep every night oo fel nehaya I ask my self, IS IT WORTH IT; LIKE WTH IS WRONG WITH ME! Ive gone crazy, should I keep holding to my dream of being his girl or the right thing to do is to GET OVER IT !!

Confession 78 – My Mom’s A Bitch

My mom is a bitch. Period. Seriously. I hate her so much. Shagoool oo Sh5aleee?? I’m the type that etha ‘6rbtoony 3la 5ashmee 3la 6ool it bleeds, she knew that and she always used that f 9al7ha.. In other words kanat etkf5ny. Etbarid 7artha, s3at even just because she felt like it. This carried on until i was in grade 8. She’s so stupid.. Lazem dayman heiii el9aaa7 oo ana el’3laa6 ! Actually heiii el9aaa7 oo everyone else is wrong ! If i proove her wrong? Oh i get hit, and get my phone and laptop taken away. Lovely yeah? It’s pretty stupid. All my siblings are married. It’s only me left. I’m the one that has to at7mlha.. and it’s getting worse now since i’m the only one oo all the attention is 3laay… She’s crazy. My parents..? They’re never on good terms. If they are? It’s only for me. Tgdroon tgoolon I’m daddys girl. My dad loves me wayed.. Oo hoo yn6er bs mita atzwaaaj oo aftaaaak min hal 3eesha ! Maskeen wallla Yg6iii3 galbe 7eeel ! The last time my parents kano mt’hwsheen kano By6lgoon .. bs they didn’t because they thought enaah I need them to be together..

The truth is I dont .. I really don’t want my mom in my life. She makes my life a living hell.. An6eer mta aftaak minha wallah.. Of course, nothing new. Another Fight 3la shaaay taf’h .. Everytime my daaad calls ttl9g oo tswe roo7haa etdwer shaay f ‘3rfty ! Muu 9ij y3ne :S .. oo 3gbha tgoole hatha oboch? oo agool ee oo tgoole shgaal? Oo agool Magal shay !! Y3nee T’tlg’f :/! She keeps lieing 3shaan a6l3 elklaaam mny ! Shes using me .. The only thing i want? Aftaaak minha .. I seriously want them to get divorced oo a3eesh with my dad ! Bss I know enhaaa bt9eer nathlaaa oo btgoolah Oh no we can live in the same house entaaa 6ab8 oo ana 6aab8 3shan 3yale ! Oo elmshkla ay 3yaaaaaal ? Anaa bs ely bgeeet ! Oo ana klsh mabeeha .. almishkla ma7s enah fee anyy chance eny aftk minha .. Like a7s she’ll stay bil kuwait ! Mar7 trj3 deert’ha 3nd ahl.ha .. Like i want her to.. I would want to visit her in fel vacations ! Bss mabe ashoof’ha kil yoom.. jaaad abe aftk minha oo hal 3thaab ely m3yshtnee feeh ! jad jaaaaaad jaaaaaad T3bt all I want them to do is get divorced .. Just needed to get all of this out.. Inshalla 5air .. I really hope enah they get divorced and she goes back to deert’ha

Confession 77 – Lying All Over

Ok ! am really lost right now am ashamed of the person am turning into every time I do something wrong I yell at my self in my head saying “THIS IS NOT ME! WTH AM I DOING”

I’ve just realized I might have a serious problem with LYING ! yes am a LIAR ! I dont know when! how or why

first what am going to say is really BAD! like you’re gonna think am the worst person on the PLANET! but really believe me when am saying I HATE MY SELF! well ! it was a couple days ago since we had problems with MAiDES stealing stuff from the house since FOREVER ago ! well mm we have a newly hired maid ! she cleans my room kl yoom and well i’ve noticed that some of my makeup are missing and I asked my mum if she had seen any and then a perfume went missing from my room! so I told mum that I think the Maid is a thief -_- and that mum needs to talk to her cos I can’t have my stuff stolen every now and then -_- and well mum talked to the maids telling them that there r some stuff missing from my room and all well the day after that mum told me to check my room maybe she has returned some of the stolen items
and at the End I found my lipsticks in my closet and I figured that i’ve kept them there b4 traveling ! when mum showed up in my room ! i got really nervous cos she’s gonna kill me if she knew inh am so MHMLA ! when mum saw the lipsticks back in place she was like “she returned them” and b4 I could explain DAD showed up! and he was like @_@ god I need to talk to her about this ! she returned it ?!! and I was just way too scared to tell the truth! and was like YA! I FOUND THEM In The Basket @_@ and then dad decided he wasn’t going to talk to her since 3la golth she GOT THE MESSAGE ! WALLAH WALLAH I HATED MY SELF FOR DOING THIS! I couldn’t sleep all night long!
and I really prayed to god waied begging for forgivness ! its really breaking my heart that I did that to a women who works here! mskeena wallah I can’t even look her in the eyes am so ashamed! el7amdella el salfa is OVER! bs the guilt is killing me & I can’t tell the truth it’s too late wallah!

and then today I LIE AGAIN! WTH is wrong with me mum went to the supermarket to get some stuff for the house and all ! and mean while! the maids asked me if they should clean mum’s room or wait till she’s back I was busy with my laptop so I just told them ya u can clean the room! and when mum was back! she was like HOW DID U ALLOW THEM TO CLEAN MY ROOM without checking if the DRESSING ROOM is locked! don’t u know this new MAID is a thief I started stuttering ! it broke my heart -_- it’s all my fault !! so in order to make her feel safe that the new maid didn’t steal anything from her room I was like “knt wagfa 3la rashum and when they were done with your dressing I closed the door and left” she said ok
and that was a LIE @_@ ! and when mum went to her room she figured that her dressing was locked a9ln and that I was lying ! it was EMBARRASSING ! WALLAH IT’S THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD! and she gave me this big SPEECH about how much Lying can affect me in life and how no one will be able to trust me o che! it really HURTS
I dont want to be that person wallah but I really don’t know what to do ! it’s so SCARY, the thought of having to deal with my lies in the future ! its such a bad habit that I really want to get rid of =( !

I just needed to let this out!! and I really need help !! guys I need to stop LYING !
what can I do !! am I the worst person in the planet & am I gonna be stuck with this LYING problem for the rest of my life!

Confession 76 – Can’t There Be An Exception?

I grew up being told that I was an evil person, that I was cruel and mean. I grew up getting blamed for every bad thing that happened in our house (most of the time I had nothing to do with it). Not my siblings.. Me. Always me.
And if you keep hearing something over and over again, eventually you start believing it. For 15 years I believed that I was a cruel and mean person who wasn’t worthy of anything.

It wasnt until I grew a little older that I started thinking maybe I wasn’t as bad as my mom made me out to be. Everyone else appreciated me, and everyone else told me I was a good person.

‘Ya wylch mn alah’ I keep hearing her say without knowing what I did to deserve god’s wrath.

And now as I finally reach the age of 22 I realize why my mom had so little faith in me. It was because she saw so much of my dad in me, and she hated that because she hated him. I, however, didn’t… because my dad is my role model. And because of what my mom did, I will never love her half as much as I love my dad.

The prophet once said ‘Ommk thumma ommk thumma ommk’… But can’t there be an exception?

Confession 75 – 3rd Anniversary Went Wrong…

Last September, my boyfriend I went on our 3 year anniversary date.  things got out of hand, and one thing led to another.  three weeks later i found out i was pregnant. i desperately tried to hide it from everyone so i through myself down the stairs of my building (my parents weren’t in kuwait at the time). So i went to the doctor and i found i have lost the baby :D. * the story seems to get better but its not* my doctor had included the whole truth about how i had “fallen” and why. i figured because they had a doctor patient confidentiality i was secure, sooner then i thought.. my doctor started to threaten me.. and had forced me to do sexual things to him, in order not to expose my secret. at the moment i realize how stupid this whole thing sounded and that i could have stooped it but i was only 18 at the time. my point being, my doctor had taken my number, and technically made me his sex slave. When ever he would call, i was forced to go or else..
this had gone on for about 8 months.. we would have sex 5-9 times a week. later on.. as the days seemed to get longer and longer.. the guy then shared me with his friends who he invites to his apartment which he bought just so that him and i can do our thing without his wifes knowledge. a month after he shared me with his friends, they started to use me as they please and i had no way out but in… and i had no one to tell.. my boyfriend dumped me, my parents got divorced and i could NOT include this to our current problems. as it went on, i started to enjoy it and i started to realize, i couldn’t wait for the next time one of his friends calls me. i started to notice how much i began to crave sex, or any kind of sexual contact. sex was what i seemed to live for. the raw touch and abuse of my doctor was unforgettable, it was the only way to make me feel alive! (i may sound insane, but you cant judge what you haven’t been through)… my question now is.. what should i do? where do i
go from here? im a 20 year old woman, who cant seem to stop this need of sexual contact.. anything is everything to me! is this even normal? of course not! what can i do to stop this? as i write this post, i start to change my mind and erase what i wrote because in some what way i don’t want this to be fixed! i want to live the life im living but i also want a life, with a family, a husband to care for me, a child to love me.. but i also want the constant sex that i currently get! and i cant ask for help because the doctor is a well known man, and has many powerful friends.. people will think im lying! and even though my family is a well known family, i still cant have my families name dishonored! should i ask for help? should i tell my family ? shasaweee? a7ad esa3idny!!

Confession 74 – No Real Family

I am so pissed off, MAD, just today i discovered I have no real family my cousins won’t even invite me to their wedding, they act nice in front of me but behind me they hate me like hell. They hate me just because i was in an English school and i’m studying abroad and i get more monthly allowance from my parents than they do, but I’ve always been nice to them i always tried my best to get along with them and try to connect with them, but not at all they do really hate me yesterday i had a little hope and thought i could earn their trust and be a real cousin, since i am the only son and i miss the taste of a brother or a sister and i thought i could find all the things i was missing with them, thought this was a chance for us to bond and i can feel i really do have a real family that likes me, but today when i discovered that one of my cousins had a wedding and all the other cousins were invited but me, i felt hate inside of me, because I’ve never ever done anything bad to them so that they could treat me this way, although my mom used to give that cousin that got married hundreds of KD’s every once in awhile when he was a student in Kuwait University because his father gave him very little, at least he could show his respect to my mother by inviting me, I’ll just go and sit there i wont ruin the wedding or anything, all i can say is shame on him, i feel like i have no family at all, from this day on i wont give them more than they deserve, one day i’m gonna be a great doctor with my own clinic and they will wish that they were close to me, i’ll never give them any account in my life what so ever i’ll pretend i have no cousins anymore nor aunts. I’ll carry on with my life and be the best i can be to show them that I am better than them and they are people with issues, sorry i had to let this out, thanks

Confession 73 – Gay Coverup Marriage

I thirst for the freedom to move, to express, to do the thing I want to do, to be with whom I want to be with, without the constant interrogation and criticism of my parents. I am unhappy

What can I do, how can I get out of such a situation ?!! I refuse to live my life this way, hating what I do, how I live, waiting for a man to take me away (the “arab way”…I need to move on, find a life of own, I need to live life as I want to live it – love it – enjoy it – express it… I have endlessly thought about this whole ordeal and can only think of one thing, one means of getting out of this icicle that I’m in: getting married to a gay guy…wouldn’t that solve my problems ? Get me to where I want to be ? I know it sounds crazy but it’s the only thing I can think of, and I believe by far my only means to freedom….

Sooner or later they’ll eventually be pressuring/expecting me to get married, it’ll have to happen somewhere down the line, at least by doing it now I’d be satisfying their expectations and conveniently hiding the truth within me – because otherwise I would never get married to a straight guy looking for sex…that I know for sure…..I know it sounds ugly, that my life should be a huge lie to them, but if that’s what I’d have to do to avoid their persecution and the truth hurting them, then that’s what I’ll do…to get to the light at the end of this dark tunnel.. .I’ll do it….

But whomever I choose to marry….I must be sure I make the right choice…So many details I need to think of…making the right choice for myself and one which my parents would approve of, the process of getting married, making sure my life after marriage is not suspected by my parents…

For my sake I hope to find a caring, friendly, flexible, honest gay guy, responsible and dedicated enough to guarantee the success of such an “arranged” marriage, my interests would meet his, both of us mutually in search of a marriage that would serve as a “cover up” for our lives in reality, a satisfaction to our parents and security from their suspicions. My conditions would of course include no sex, we marry but we lead separate lives, good friends nothing more nothing less , neither of us interfering in the life of the other.

For the sake of having my parents approve of my choice he would have to satisfy the following criteria: Nationality-wise: Muslim, Sunni, Kuwaiti. Academically: well-educated, intelligent intellectual. Financially: that he be well-established, independent, able to support a “wife and future family” (even though I in reality won’t be asking for any financial assistance from him). Socially: good conversationalist, polite, aware and respective of local “religious and moral values”. Other: respectable looking; that he be able to express his seriousness and the genuineness of his offer to marry, assuring my parents of his honest care and concern for me and his willingness to undertake the responsibility of marrying me …. and all that blablabla. I believe someone who’s able to satisfy such criteria and please my parents in that way would have no problem acquiring their approval for marriage…But I also think much of life later on…I’m in search of someone who’s willing
enough to make it all happen without difficulty, no suspicions, no problems…..

If you’re a gay kuwaiti guy to whom this whole deal seems like a convenient and much-needed situation, then I would truly appreciate it if you could answer me by responding to the following questions:

1) Why would such an arrangement interest you ?
2) What is your nationality, religion, age ?
3) Education, financial situation, living situation, family conditions ?
4) Please describe yourself appearance and character wise.
5) How do you plan to ask for my hand and help make our marriage “succeed” in the eyes of my family and society.
6) And last but not least your first name please.

Well, what do you think?

Here is a well-educated and determined woman, but her culture, as embodied by her family’s wishes, permits her no life. Unless she finds a suitable respondent to her cry for help, she may well be miserable and desperate, even suicidal, for the rest of her life.

What is the value of a culture that so overrides the value of an individual? A culture where, unless the individual conforms to the outward norms of heterosexual marriage and the proper role of a woman and wife, someone like her can have no place in society. And whether she conforms or does not, her happiness, her aspirations, and the natural direction of her love, are anyway of no concern.

It is always amazing to me how many people would rise to defend a culture without a thought to the countless, often voiceless, numbers marginalised and suffocated by all that theory. They would readily defend the status quo for all its inequities, than speak out for change. Our way of life must be preserved. Real people, even their own sons and daughters, can be sacrificed to that cause. Where do they get that degree of certainty that they are so right and others so wrong?

Pre-arranged sham marriages are rarer, however, than the other kind, where the gay person is pressured into a marriage with a heterosexual husband or wife. It’s an even greater sham, because the spouse has no idea that the partner is gay. Some years on, the spouse may find out by accident, but by then he or she would have invested years into the marriage and there may be children at stake. It’s always a terrible mess, and lives are indelibly traumatised.

Let me ask again: why do we resist changing a culture — any culture — that compels so much injury?