Kuwait's Confession Box

Archive for October, 2010|Monthly archive page

Confession 82 – Victim of Incest

In Confessions on October 31, 2010 at 5:19 PM

When I was nine I was sexually abused by my older brother who was 13 at the time. Those assaults lasted for some time, until I guess he grew out of it. I never told anyone about those incidents and I just learned to try to act as if they never happened. But as hard as I tried I couldn’t stop it from messing me up.

Growing up I found myself struggling with my sexuality. Even though I think that I have homosexual preferences I keep running away from any relationship once it starts getting sexual. It’s not that I don’t like sex because believe me I like it too much for my own good, it’s sexual encounters that I fear the most. I just can’t think of sex as a result of a loving relationship, to me sex could never mix with love. Sexual encounters tainted my life, how can I choose to go there!

I’ve been living in the shame of letting that happen to me when I was old enough to just say no. Sometimes I think that I allowed it to happen because of the attention that he was given me, which I never received from anyone else. I can’t blame him without blaming myself, because I could have said no. I guess I’m just another victim of incest, or another attention whore! I’ll leave it for you to decide.

And please I don’t need anyone of you smart asses to give me some of your stupid “tough love”. When we come here to confess we expose ourselves, we’re being vulnerable and trust me the last thing that we need is you all acting as if you’re better than us because you had easier lives! Who are you to judge us based on our suffering! I guess I’m getting carried away so I’ll just wrap this up.

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Confession 81 – Friend Zone

In Confessions on October 31, 2010 at 5:17 PM

I go to a Private English School, some people automatically assume that a girl that goes there is 9i3a ri7a fiha. But as we all know that is a load of bull,or at least we should.Ive never had something dramtically terrible happen to me. The worst i can say is when last year my Arabic Tutor (who works at my school and teaches my friends and who i look to as a grandmother-type)..yeah well her 73 year old husband tried to make a move on me when cornered in an elevator. Nothing happened, and im not traumatised or any of that. As sad as it is, this is kuwait, so this happens to ALL girls at one point or another, even if not exaclty like this.

At school people think im this constantly happy person, that i live a completely carefree, sadeness-free life, just because i plaster this giant smile on my face. And Im fine with that, im not the type of girl to start crying in public or whatever. Maybe thats why almost all my friends are guys. Cause i cant handle the drama. I’m always with guys, if it was anyone else the school would think they’re a slut, but for some reason they make an exception for me. i guess they know i dont do it on purpose, its just..EASIER with guys. they more open, u dont have to worry aout them being all bitchy or P.M.S-y or having to hide things, like pretending u didnt get the inennuendo in what that guy jut said.

Here’s the thing though. You know that all dreaded “friend zone”? Yeah, well i live there. Theres a property in my name. A whole frikken street named after me. A guy i have had feelings for has EVER so much as considered me. Its reached the point where i’ve TRAINED my self to cage in emotions towards someone. I just hold it in, pretend it doesnt exist cause i know that nothing will come of it. I’ve only ever told a guy i liked him once and he just…stoppd existing. Wouldt look at me, or talk to me, aknowledge me, even though he had been my best friend the year before.

Im not ugly.. i know that , although i also know im not gorgeous..its my personality. Its one that screams DO NOT LIKE ME. LETS PLAYS OCCER INSTEAD. People tell me its a good thing, but wat do they know. It hurts. As soon as i can feel myselse falling for someone, this voice in my head goes “You stupid Idiot. Dont do this to yourself. It will never work. Kill it now before you end up getting REALLY hurt.”

And now i really have FALLEN for someone.Like really. Ive been pushing these feeling away for a eally long time..But its official now. And it kills cause hes my BEST friend(who also RELATED)- so i mean really BEST BEST friend’s ale best friend. And i know she would be COMPLETELY against it , because she hates the mere idea that we get together (not that ive ever brought it up, someone just joked about it once.)
And im never gonna do anything about it. He date

Confession 80 – Spirit Faded to Black

In Confessions on October 31, 2010 at 5:15 PM

My soul and spirit have faded to black.. I think only of vengeance.. My heart has been filled with HATE.. I constantly wonder; how long one can go through life with these kind of feelings inside them? It is ever consuming, by day, by night, even when I sleep the darkness touches my dreams!

I seem to have an excellent knack for letting other use me as they see fit.. No matter what the cost to me is.. Always, I give.. Never do I receive.. And I ask for so little.. I am not high maintenance, I take care of myself when allowed.. I have such few needs, but the ones that I do have, they appear to be impossible for others to satisfy.. And when I still receive nothing, I still give..

So, now.. Now I have had enough of letting myself be abused.. I have had enough with the mind games.. I have had enough with people playing with my heart and mind. And now, now I seek vengeance!

What the hell is wrong with me? To want to hurt someone that I love so deeply.. How does ones spirit get to the stage where vengeance is what it feeds it? I do know that it is not normal.. But how do you stop feeling like that?

Every time that I try to stop my self, I find that i cannot… And every time that I try to talk to about my problem, I hit a brick wall.. Why would someone listen, but stand by and do nothing? How can a human stand by and watch another human fall apart? How can someone have the power to help, or do something, and yet stand by and do nothing?

I know, that’s an awful lot of hows and whys there, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what the heck I am doing.. I cannot for the life of me understand.. And the more that I do try, well the worse my hatred becomes..

I have so much hate inside me, that I want to destroy my self, before I can cause any more harm to the ones that I love.. And that’s not right either.. But, I am running out of options..

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