Kuwait's Confession Box

Archive for August, 2010|Monthly archive page

Confession 76 – Can’t There Be An Exception?

In Confessions on August 13, 2010 at 8:28 AM

I grew up being told that I was an evil person, that I was cruel and mean. I grew up getting blamed for every bad thing that happened in our house (most of the time I had nothing to do with it). Not my siblings.. Me. Always me.
And if you keep hearing something over and over again, eventually you start believing it. For 15 years I believed that I was a cruel and mean person who wasn’t worthy of anything.

It wasnt until I grew a little older that I started thinking maybe I wasn’t as bad as my mom made me out to be. Everyone else appreciated me, and everyone else told me I was a good person.

‘Ya wylch mn alah’ I keep hearing her say without knowing what I did to deserve god’s wrath.

And now as I finally reach the age of 22 I realize why my mom had so little faith in me. It was because she saw so much of my dad in me, and she hated that because she hated him. I, however, didn’t… because my dad is my role model. And because of what my mom did, I will never love her half as much as I love my dad.

The prophet once said ‘Ommk thumma ommk thumma ommk’… But can’t there be an exception?

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Confession 75 – 3rd Anniversary Went Wrong…

In Confessions on August 12, 2010 at 12:19 PM

Last September, my boyfriend I went on our 3 year anniversary date.  things got out of hand, and one thing led to another.  three weeks later i found out i was pregnant. i desperately tried to hide it from everyone so i through myself down the stairs of my building (my parents weren’t in kuwait at the time). So i went to the doctor and i found i have lost the baby :D. * the story seems to get better but its not* my doctor had included the whole truth about how i had “fallen” and why. i figured because they had a doctor patient confidentiality i was secure, sooner then i thought.. my doctor started to threaten me.. and had forced me to do sexual things to him, in order not to expose my secret. at the moment i realize how stupid this whole thing sounded and that i could have stooped it but i was only 18 at the time. my point being, my doctor had taken my number, and technically made me his sex slave. When ever he would call, i was forced to go or else..
this had gone on for about 8 months.. we would have sex 5-9 times a week. later on.. as the days seemed to get longer and longer.. the guy then shared me with his friends who he invites to his apartment which he bought just so that him and i can do our thing without his wifes knowledge. a month after he shared me with his friends, they started to use me as they please and i had no way out but in… and i had no one to tell.. my boyfriend dumped me, my parents got divorced and i could NOT include this to our current problems. as it went on, i started to enjoy it and i started to realize, i couldn’t wait for the next time one of his friends calls me. i started to notice how much i began to crave sex, or any kind of sexual contact. sex was what i seemed to live for. the raw touch and abuse of my doctor was unforgettable, it was the only way to make me feel alive! (i may sound insane, but you cant judge what you haven’t been through)… my question now is.. what should i do? where do i
go from here? im a 20 year old woman, who cant seem to stop this need of sexual contact.. anything is everything to me! is this even normal? of course not! what can i do to stop this? as i write this post, i start to change my mind and erase what i wrote because in some what way i don’t want this to be fixed! i want to live the life im living but i also want a life, with a family, a husband to care for me, a child to love me.. but i also want the constant sex that i currently get! and i cant ask for help because the doctor is a well known man, and has many powerful friends.. people will think im lying! and even though my family is a well known family, i still cant have my families name dishonored! should i ask for help? should i tell my family ? shasaweee? a7ad esa3idny!!

Confession 74 – No Real Family

In Confessions on August 6, 2010 at 10:52 AM

I am so pissed off, MAD, just today i discovered I have no real family my cousins won’t even invite me to their wedding, they act nice in front of me but behind me they hate me like hell. They hate me just because i was in an English school and i’m studying abroad and i get more monthly allowance from my parents than they do, but I’ve always been nice to them i always tried my best to get along with them and try to connect with them, but not at all they do really hate me yesterday i had a little hope and thought i could earn their trust and be a real cousin, since i am the only son and i miss the taste of a brother or a sister and i thought i could find all the things i was missing with them, thought this was a chance for us to bond and i can feel i really do have a real family that likes me, but today when i discovered that one of my cousins had a wedding and all the other cousins were invited but me, i felt hate inside of me, because I’ve never ever done anything bad to them so that they could treat me this way, although my mom used to give that cousin that got married hundreds of KD’s every once in awhile when he was a student in Kuwait University because his father gave him very little, at least he could show his respect to my mother by inviting me, I’ll just go and sit there i wont ruin the wedding or anything, all i can say is shame on him, i feel like i have no family at all, from this day on i wont give them more than they deserve, one day i’m gonna be a great doctor with my own clinic and they will wish that they were close to me, i’ll never give them any account in my life what so ever i’ll pretend i have no cousins anymore nor aunts. I’ll carry on with my life and be the best i can be to show them that I am better than them and they are people with issues, sorry i had to let this out, thanks

Confession 73 – Gay Coverup Marriage

In Confessions on August 2, 2010 at 4:55 AM

I thirst for the freedom to move, to express, to do the thing I want to do, to be with whom I want to be with, without the constant interrogation and criticism of my parents. I am unhappy

What can I do, how can I get out of such a situation ?!! I refuse to live my life this way, hating what I do, how I live, waiting for a man to take me away (the “arab way”…I need to move on, find a life of own, I need to live life as I want to live it – love it – enjoy it – express it… I have endlessly thought about this whole ordeal and can only think of one thing, one means of getting out of this icicle that I’m in: getting married to a gay guy…wouldn’t that solve my problems ? Get me to where I want to be ? I know it sounds crazy but it’s the only thing I can think of, and I believe by far my only means to freedom….

Sooner or later they’ll eventually be pressuring/expecting me to get married, it’ll have to happen somewhere down the line, at least by doing it now I’d be satisfying their expectations and conveniently hiding the truth within me – because otherwise I would never get married to a straight guy looking for sex…that I know for sure…..I know it sounds ugly, that my life should be a huge lie to them, but if that’s what I’d have to do to avoid their persecution and the truth hurting them, then that’s what I’ll do…to get to the light at the end of this dark tunnel.. .I’ll do it….

But whomever I choose to marry….I must be sure I make the right choice…So many details I need to think of…making the right choice for myself and one which my parents would approve of, the process of getting married, making sure my life after marriage is not suspected by my parents…

For my sake I hope to find a caring, friendly, flexible, honest gay guy, responsible and dedicated enough to guarantee the success of such an “arranged” marriage, my interests would meet his, both of us mutually in search of a marriage that would serve as a “cover up” for our lives in reality, a satisfaction to our parents and security from their suspicions. My conditions would of course include no sex, we marry but we lead separate lives, good friends nothing more nothing less , neither of us interfering in the life of the other.

For the sake of having my parents approve of my choice he would have to satisfy the following criteria: Nationality-wise: Muslim, Sunni, Kuwaiti. Academically: well-educated, intelligent intellectual. Financially: that he be well-established, independent, able to support a “wife and future family” (even though I in reality won’t be asking for any financial assistance from him). Socially: good conversationalist, polite, aware and respective of local “religious and moral values”. Other: respectable looking; that he be able to express his seriousness and the genuineness of his offer to marry, assuring my parents of his honest care and concern for me and his willingness to undertake the responsibility of marrying me …. and all that blablabla. I believe someone who’s able to satisfy such criteria and please my parents in that way would have no problem acquiring their approval for marriage…But I also think much of life later on…I’m in search of someone who’s willing
enough to make it all happen without difficulty, no suspicions, no problems…..

If you’re a gay kuwaiti guy to whom this whole deal seems like a convenient and much-needed situation, then I would truly appreciate it if you could answer me by responding to the following questions:

1) Why would such an arrangement interest you ?
2) What is your nationality, religion, age ?
3) Education, financial situation, living situation, family conditions ?
4) Please describe yourself appearance and character wise.
5) How do you plan to ask for my hand and help make our marriage “succeed” in the eyes of my family and society.
6) And last but not least your first name please.

Well, what do you think?

Here is a well-educated and determined woman, but her culture, as embodied by her family’s wishes, permits her no life. Unless she finds a suitable respondent to her cry for help, she may well be miserable and desperate, even suicidal, for the rest of her life.

What is the value of a culture that so overrides the value of an individual? A culture where, unless the individual conforms to the outward norms of heterosexual marriage and the proper role of a woman and wife, someone like her can have no place in society. And whether she conforms or does not, her happiness, her aspirations, and the natural direction of her love, are anyway of no concern.

It is always amazing to me how many people would rise to defend a culture without a thought to the countless, often voiceless, numbers marginalised and suffocated by all that theory. They would readily defend the status quo for all its inequities, than speak out for change. Our way of life must be preserved. Real people, even their own sons and daughters, can be sacrificed to that cause. Where do they get that degree of certainty that they are so right and others so wrong?

Pre-arranged sham marriages are rarer, however, than the other kind, where the gay person is pressured into a marriage with a heterosexual husband or wife. It’s an even greater sham, because the spouse has no idea that the partner is gay. Some years on, the spouse may find out by accident, but by then he or she would have invested years into the marriage and there may be children at stake. It’s always a terrible mess, and lives are indelibly traumatised.

Let me ask again: why do we resist changing a culture — any culture — that compels so much injury?

Confession 72 – Daddy In The Bedroom

In Confessions on August 1, 2010 at 10:14 AM

What happened to me was beyond my control. It all started when I was a little girl. I was daddy’s little girl and he showed me extra love but when I turned 16, things took a turn and this love became physical. He started touching me in all the wrong places. To make a long story short, my dad manipulated me into having a sexual relationship with him. I was so fooled that I thought it was ok..

Then one night, he introduced me to 3 of his friends. Things evolved, he started touching me infront of them and then they joined in. A gangbang. Yes. I was scared at first, but my dad fooled me into it as he always does.
A few months later, I discovered I was pregnant. And the father of my baby was my father. Yes I know. It sounds inhumane. I got into severe depression which lead to the abortion of the baby.
Years went by, and I couldn’t get married because of what happened. I was all alone and there was nobody except for my father around. This time I made a move on him. I hated myself for it and I still hate myself every day and I can’t stop. Now things got even worse. My dad offers me to his friends and I don’t seem to mind anymore.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t think right. I can’t see right. I need help but I can’t talk to anyone about it. The only person I can talk to is my father and you know how that ends…