Kuwait's Confession Box

Confession 73 – Gay Coverup Marriage

In Confessions on August 2, 2010 at 4:55 AM

I thirst for the freedom to move, to express, to do the thing I want to do, to be with whom I want to be with, without the constant interrogation and criticism of my parents. I am unhappy

What can I do, how can I get out of such a situation ?!! I refuse to live my life this way, hating what I do, how I live, waiting for a man to take me away (the “arab way”…I need to move on, find a life of own, I need to live life as I want to live it – love it – enjoy it – express it… I have endlessly thought about this whole ordeal and can only think of one thing, one means of getting out of this icicle that I’m in: getting married to a gay guy…wouldn’t that solve my problems ? Get me to where I want to be ? I know it sounds crazy but it’s the only thing I can think of, and I believe by far my only means to freedom….

Sooner or later they’ll eventually be pressuring/expecting me to get married, it’ll have to happen somewhere down the line, at least by doing it now I’d be satisfying their expectations and conveniently hiding the truth within me – because otherwise I would never get married to a straight guy looking for sex…that I know for sure…..I know it sounds ugly, that my life should be a huge lie to them, but if that’s what I’d have to do to avoid their persecution and the truth hurting them, then that’s what I’ll do…to get to the light at the end of this dark tunnel.. .I’ll do it….

But whomever I choose to marry….I must be sure I make the right choice…So many details I need to think of…making the right choice for myself and one which my parents would approve of, the process of getting married, making sure my life after marriage is not suspected by my parents…

For my sake I hope to find a caring, friendly, flexible, honest gay guy, responsible and dedicated enough to guarantee the success of such an “arranged” marriage, my interests would meet his, both of us mutually in search of a marriage that would serve as a “cover up” for our lives in reality, a satisfaction to our parents and security from their suspicions. My conditions would of course include no sex, we marry but we lead separate lives, good friends nothing more nothing less , neither of us interfering in the life of the other.

For the sake of having my parents approve of my choice he would have to satisfy the following criteria: Nationality-wise: Muslim, Sunni, Kuwaiti. Academically: well-educated, intelligent intellectual. Financially: that he be well-established, independent, able to support a “wife and future family” (even though I in reality won’t be asking for any financial assistance from him). Socially: good conversationalist, polite, aware and respective of local “religious and moral values”. Other: respectable looking; that he be able to express his seriousness and the genuineness of his offer to marry, assuring my parents of his honest care and concern for me and his willingness to undertake the responsibility of marrying me …. and all that blablabla. I believe someone who’s able to satisfy such criteria and please my parents in that way would have no problem acquiring their approval for marriage…But I also think much of life later on…I’m in search of someone who’s willing
enough to make it all happen without difficulty, no suspicions, no problems…..

If you’re a gay kuwaiti guy to whom this whole deal seems like a convenient and much-needed situation, then I would truly appreciate it if you could answer me by responding to the following questions:

1) Why would such an arrangement interest you ?
2) What is your nationality, religion, age ?
3) Education, financial situation, living situation, family conditions ?
4) Please describe yourself appearance and character wise.
5) How do you plan to ask for my hand and help make our marriage “succeed” in the eyes of my family and society.
6) And last but not least your first name please.

Well, what do you think?

Here is a well-educated and determined woman, but her culture, as embodied by her family’s wishes, permits her no life. Unless she finds a suitable respondent to her cry for help, she may well be miserable and desperate, even suicidal, for the rest of her life.

What is the value of a culture that so overrides the value of an individual? A culture where, unless the individual conforms to the outward norms of heterosexual marriage and the proper role of a woman and wife, someone like her can have no place in society. And whether she conforms or does not, her happiness, her aspirations, and the natural direction of her love, are anyway of no concern.

It is always amazing to me how many people would rise to defend a culture without a thought to the countless, often voiceless, numbers marginalised and suffocated by all that theory. They would readily defend the status quo for all its inequities, than speak out for change. Our way of life must be preserved. Real people, even their own sons and daughters, can be sacrificed to that cause. Where do they get that degree of certainty that they are so right and others so wrong?

Pre-arranged sham marriages are rarer, however, than the other kind, where the gay person is pressured into a marriage with a heterosexual husband or wife. It’s an even greater sham, because the spouse has no idea that the partner is gay. Some years on, the spouse may find out by accident, but by then he or she would have invested years into the marriage and there may be children at stake. It’s always a terrible mess, and lives are indelibly traumatised.

Let me ask again: why do we resist changing a culture — any culture — that compels so much injury?

  1. I see where your coming from? but might i ask? are you a lesbian? is that why you want to marry a gay guy so all of you can fool around whenever you want? i just think living a lie is already to much. we she best luck in this. xx

  2. la2anna i7na 3aysheen ib mojtama3 islami. ma7ad lazim isawe “resist” 7ag Allah w awaamrah.

    • Our cultur is not related to Islam and many of our cultral traditions goes against Islam.

  3. ur prerequisites and conditions clash violently with what u want & ur culture, how can u use “muslim, sunni” and “sham marriage, no sex, gay” in the same sentence and feel u r victim?

    LMAO, respective of social and religious values?

    heres a suggestion, if u feel so pressured, so trapped, do the following, forget ur cradle-2-grave benefits of marryin q80, leave it all behind, change ur name to Innes and move to Holland, be all u want 2 b, and free urself from these “restrictions”.

    im willin to stake anythin u want that u also studied abroad, rite?

    PS incase u didnt notice, this is a confessional, not a dating site.

  4. uhhh…..shitt ?!
    seriously , i’d buy the first flight to anywhere a thousand miles away from kuwait ! so what ? why r u a puppet to ur parents ? and why r u against marrying a straight dude?
    And if missed the title of the site , IT AINT A DATING SITE !
    Tell ur parents that by them pressuring u , it just makes u rebel even more ….if they dont get it , then its bye bye kuwait , aloha Hawaii, why let ur parents make u do what u dont want to ?!
    Its ironicly , THAT simple!

  5. I am sorry for what Kuwaiti have became.
    We lost our religion we lost everything !
    U keep saying culture! But it isn’t culture that is against gay, it is our religion ! It is god that we love and worship.
    I feel bad that many people are brain washed. They no longer see what’s normal. Allah yster o yahdekum ya rb.

  6. I totally agree with skinny freak!

  7. I highly respect you. What you wrote out was very well thought out and very detailed. You put a lot of effort and time into writing it and you touched on some of the major issues with the society we live in.
    You’re a very smart girl and unfortunately there’s not that many girls like that around here. I completely agree with your last couple of paragraphs and how everything has turned into a sham. Islam is completely misinterpreted here in Kuwait, but also in many other muslim countries, and it’s the people who pay the most, such as a woman going into a arranged marriage.
    But, I don’t think getting married to a gay guy is your solution. You are taking a lot of risks and if your family ever finds out they’ll probably kill the guy and if you confess that it was all arranged then something may happen to you too. For someone who’s as smart as you are it’s the least smartest choice to make. Maybe you can meet a straight guy who’s half kuwaiti/half something, they’re usually more open to freedom.
    It all depends on the guy, but the problem is time is short and your parents want specific attributes. It sucks. What can you do but search for a guy? But then your parents won’t allow you to do it or see guys. It’s an absolute paradox we’re living here in Kuwait.
    I know this isn’t a dating site, but I know a really nice half american half kuwaiti guy who absolutley open and free. I’ve known him all my life. He is straight but he is nice. I know this isn’t a dating site, but in the circumstances we have in Kuwait sometimes this is the only way. Anyways, if you’re interested: cantosticks@gmail.com

    • thanks for ur reply..
      I really appreciate ur honest reply.. I wont deny the fact that other people were honest too.. but they were sort of harsh.. im not judging them. so I don’t get their need to judge me..
      people arent different.. if they are happy they way they’re living then Im not..
      and why is it so wrong for us to seek happiness..
      the reason I don’t want to move away.. and I have thought about it.. is the people I have here.. a life long friendship.. yes I cant start a new. but who am I going to share these memories with? I love kuwait. and I adore the people I know..
      but when ur house isnt a home.? u really wanna look somewhere else..
      I could run away.. but I don’t want to..
      marrying a gay guy seemed like a win-win situation. something that will please me and my parents..
      thank you for understanding..
      its highly appreciated.

  8. i hope u dont find this offensive, but u sound like a booty call in the makin.

    What do u really want. Are u kuwaiti? Why are y muslim. There arent as many restrictions in about any other religion.

    U need bootcamp. If u werent feeling so much security that u are, ur head wouldnt be so far up your a**.

    I say this with the least negativity. Try to consider this sum tough luv.

    Like an old member in this site used to say ” everything will be OK”.

  9. To answer the last part of your confession (“Let me ask again: why do we resist changing a culture — any culture — that compels so much injury?) I can definitely see where you’re coming from. You seem like you’ve lived abroad, and seen how open and accepting other societies can be. As someone who as lived abroad myself, I can definitely relate to your way of thinking.

    But as other people have mentioned,our society is based upon Islam,and there are some things that we cannot resist or “stand up” against. It’s just the way it has to be. I’m not blaming our religion for anything- don’t get me wrong- because our society’s way of thinking is also to blame. There is so much discrimination going on (e.g. racial/sexist discrimination) that it’s a wonder we can call ourselves a modern civilzed country. If there’s anything we must “resist” it is this. Again, don’t get me wrong, I am Kuwaiti, and I love this country as much as anyone. But what I don’t love so much is the fact that people hate others for reasons as stupid as their country of origin. Our country is based on Islam, i.e. PEACE. Why are some of us such hypocrites that we only choose to abide by some of our religion’s rules? If we are to continue as the great country that we definitely are, we need to start accepting people, and stop hating them.

    As for your wish to not marry a straight guy, is it because you’re not straight yourself? I’m not judging or anything, it’s just that knowing why you’re so against it might make things easier to understand. If that is the reason, then you may think that marrying a gay guy would be the answer to your problem, but it’s not. Sooner or later you and are your husband are going to realise that you don’t want to lie to yourselves anymore, and that you’re simply not happy together. That might sound harsh, but that’s how it is. You say you don’t want to have sex with the guy, but eventually people will start to wonder why you don’t have children, etc. That will ultimately be another problem that you will have to deal with. So if anything, marrying a guy will probably take you right back to square one. Have you tried talking to your parents about this? Maybe if you explain your situation to them, they might be able to think of some kind of solution. If they’re not the understanding type, then that might not be the best idea. Maybe an aunt? If not, there’s always this little confessional I guess 😛

    Answer our questions, because you never know, we might be able to help you 😉 Good luck,and let us know how everything turns out! xxx

    • to be honest.. no i havent lived abroad.. but i can totally think with an open mind.. i see all around me. and compare..and once u start comparing.. envy seeps in.. and the next thing u know ur wishing upon someone else’s happiness and well fair..
      there’s alot of things to discuss in our community that i wish not to discuss here..
      i agree with everything you said.. just because i thrive for freedom doesnt mean i dont believe in our religion.. but when it comes to living right now.. im pretty much lifeless and dead.. and thats how my parents wish to keep me..
      till i find mr. right..
      and you think i havent thought about going abroad to study or just get out?
      i love this country just as much as you do.. and i love my parents in spite of everything they do..
      but i refuse to continue this shared of happiness all my life.. only to realize its too late to do anything now..
      we come from a family who doesnt believe in happily ever afters.. im not realistic.. but when it comes to this. i know marriage in kuwait is all about responsibility.. and of course sex..
      and i want neither..
      i am willing to take my chances with this thoughts. cuz i ran out of options..
      and it may be a cover up marriage. but that doesnt mean i wont have a relationship with the lad. i do want us to be friends and best friends.. thats why im picky i guess?..
      thanks Ducky!
      i’ll let you know if it all goes well..
      keep ur fingers crossed for me, will you?

  10. i dont get why you want to marry a gay guy?
    are you a lesbian or do you just want freedom you think only gay guys can give you?
    Why not marry a straight guy who will give you the freedom you want?
    &why do you want to please your parents so much?

    • well. gay guys are gonna be pressured into fake marriages like myself.. i dont have anything against straight ones.. but once we’re married im afraid he wont take things as i would.. and he may be on the out look my husband. but i dont want to sleep with a stranger.. i have nothing against guys but im done with them. and i figured more important things in my life..
      just because my life doesnt revolve around one doesnt mean im gay.. and even if i am.. thats not the issue.. im marrying my freedom and a gay guy would want nothing to do with me. just like i dont want anything to do with him.. its a win-win situation..

  11. its a stupid situation, thought of by a girl who never grew up and has way too much time on her hands.

    hissi, its not like gays here have it easy, and they cant hide in the background, im 100% sure ur parents would find out wat he is.

    oh, but let me be “nice” and help u out, move back a couple of posts to one that has been removed, it was a confession of a gay member of the royal family, some dude wanted to hook him up with his cousin and left his email, u may still find it.

    u want some real advice? talk to ur parents, put ur foot down, tell them u respect them and love them, but have to marry someone u love, not someone who meets certain criteria. ud be surprised.

  12. Whaaat?! :S Okay, so you want freedom? You think ‘gay guy’ translates to ‘Guy who’ll let me do whatever’?

    If he’s going to pretend he’s straight, he’s also going to pretend uhwa rayal zain. Mara7 y5aleech t’heeteen ay mukan.
    Mashoof il straight guys maktoob 3ala their forehead: ‘No freedom’.

    Dawreelich wa7id straight and studies/works abroad. 3ashan you have your freedom, family, with the works.

  13. I honestly think ur just looking for a rich gay guy so that u can get a sweet deal, ie cash x title (aka murt flaan) enjoy the fruits of ur loom per say, then leave him 🙂 or i might be just a bit too stoned and rambling on too much 😛 take it whichever way ud like 🙂

    L-E-G-A-L-I-Z-E I-T !

  14. @ bored: STONER….

  15. i dnt believe that straight kuwaiti guys offer no freedom, like most ppl posted b4. i also dnt believe, that only the kuwaitis that studied or worked abroad are open minded. there are many kuwaiti men who have lived their entire lives in this nation and are as open minded as those who’ve lived abroad. it depends on tarbiya and education. two important factors that have a much heavier effect on the way ppl think today. And by freedom…do you mean that you want to live a flexible life, where you are independent? or that you want to do things against your own religion? freedom has many meanings, and it all depends on the way you view it. So wat exactly do u mean by freedom?

  16. First of all, whoever posted this article didn’t post is correctly as where they have copied it from (www.yawningbread. org/arch_1998/yax-078.htm) includes a commentary starting from “Well, what do you think?…”

    Therefore to all of you who decided to criticize the second half of the article should read it again because it was an analysis by the person who archived it.

    Second, to those of you who couldnt wait to jumped in and highlight the fact that this is not a dating site- well guess what, this article was written way before this blog even existed, in 1998!

    Pls check the link

    Amazing how people are ready to bite.

    “By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach” Winston Churchill

  17. I totally understand

    they just use Islam as a shield.

    Example? Tattoos n eyebrow shaping ARE THE SAME when it comes to Quran. Bs they look at one as a sin o the other as “3adi”

    ps keep being yourself and don’t let anyone take that from you

    • thank you.. it meant a lot =)

      and yes we do hide.. and im not saying islam is not liberating.. it got us savages to the gates of revolution.. im just saying i wana do what i wanna do..
      wasting life is killing me..

  18. I don’t have the answer for u but I want to talk u in privite . Msn or something else ?

  19. I thought u Said Ur Not kuwaity

  20. First I thought about what a Kuwaiti culture can lead to… Behind the masks n facades r lurking hypocrites! Tut tut tut
    when I read further I was like probably it’s a kid who doesn’t realize the repercussions!
    But when I came to the end… U kinda make sense in ur own way. It’s ur life.. Only You get to choose.
    But yeah this ain’t a dating site u don’t want to go trusting neone approaching u here!

  21. omg i agree withyou so much and am in the same situation but never came up with a solution for it other than running away out of the country, with my bf who isn’t kuwaiti btw. But he’s in uni now out of kuwait, i’m not in uni what so ever and don’t want to go. And i don’t wanna ruin his future and his life for me.

    Byt marrying a gay guy seems smart.

  22. sweetie, (a) you should differentiate between CULTURE and RELIGION. Culture is actually flexible to change o bel3ax ana ashoof alot of kuwaiti families are very westernised, let me give you a for instance. Awal because of ‘culture’ a woman would never go and study abroad, nowadays its widely accepted. comprendez? (b)Maybe instead of asking a religion that was built on a solid foundation to suit YOU, have you considered the possibility that maybe the path your headed down is wrong? Maybe you have what people call ‘gender personality disorder’? There are therapists you can see who will honor the confidentiality and may help you figure things out… just a thought.

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