Kuwait's Confession Box

Confession 80 – Spirit Faded to Black

In Confessions on October 31, 2010 at 5:15 PM

My soul and spirit have faded to black.. I think only of vengeance.. My heart has been filled with HATE.. I constantly wonder; how long one can go through life with these kind of feelings inside them? It is ever consuming, by day, by night, even when I sleep the darkness touches my dreams!

I seem to have an excellent knack for letting other use me as they see fit.. No matter what the cost to me is.. Always, I give.. Never do I receive.. And I ask for so little.. I am not high maintenance, I take care of myself when allowed.. I have such few needs, but the ones that I do have, they appear to be impossible for others to satisfy.. And when I still receive nothing, I still give..

So, now.. Now I have had enough of letting myself be abused.. I have had enough with the mind games.. I have had enough with people playing with my heart and mind. And now, now I seek vengeance!

What the hell is wrong with me? To want to hurt someone that I love so deeply.. How does ones spirit get to the stage where vengeance is what it feeds it? I do know that it is not normal.. But how do you stop feeling like that?

Every time that I try to stop my self, I find that i cannot… And every time that I try to talk to about my problem, I hit a brick wall.. Why would someone listen, but stand by and do nothing? How can a human stand by and watch another human fall apart? How can someone have the power to help, or do something, and yet stand by and do nothing?

I know, that’s an awful lot of hows and whys there, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what the heck I am doing.. I cannot for the life of me understand.. And the more that I do try, well the worse my hatred becomes..

I have so much hate inside me, that I want to destroy my self, before I can cause any more harm to the ones that I love.. And that’s not right either.. But, I am running out of options..

…   …   …

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  1. Dear writer,

    I feel so very much for you and might understand a bit what you are going thru. You piled a lot of stress on yourself and have not vented off and might not have given a chance to notify others of ur stress and allow them to ease your trmendous Burden. In the second half of ur article you become vindictive and even say that you want to hurt the people you love. The subliminal brain in any human being is an incredible tool which allows people to adjust quickly. It induces hate when you want to break a relationship and it can induce happy thoughts when you need to love. This function can also be ur enemy. If u confess and acknowledge that love is there then don’t give it up too easily and Allow ur brain to convince itself of hate and to end everything. Communicate fully, get support, and remember the good things in ur relationship and the brain will help u adjust to the better. Remember the brain is only a tool for ur emotions. Give love and understanding a chance. Seek support . Confess with ur partner or family. All things change and they tend to change to the better if there is love.

  2. you might think that you speak but ur words hit a wall. it is not entirely true….give those around you a chance and don’t let hate and vengeance rule you heart for those you love and love you tremendously. Every passes thru challenges in a relationship but the discuss them and work thru them.

    Also note that love and physical intimacy are not the same. The latter can be fixed with communication and knowing each other desires and limits.

    Love,
    A very loving person

  3. Dear God,

    Please speak into the heart of this precious, confused soul. Reveal yourself and your love. Guide them with in your light, for in you there is Truth. In His name, amen

  4. U know ur problem so well , and u have so much negative energy inside u. I recommend u check www. Mbandsoul.com or call them at 94459250 they have good classes on trainig to get rid of negatve energy . Gaining stregth an confidence classes are also available in there

    Good luck

  5. Dear Confessor,

    im very sorry to hear that nobody appreciates the tremendous sacrifices and energy you spend on them “the ppl u love”.

    but why waste yourself on ppl who take you for granted and dont show you much appreciation..

    im not a psychologist like Desroche seems to be but i think you should make it clear to them how you feel like a door mat to them and that you dont appreciate it keeping in mind you “carry them in your eyes”.

    i think communicating with them and not being shy about your negative emotions towards them would help the healing process..
    i dont think you have a dark soul orany of that crap… ur just frustrated and need to let ur feelings be heard!

    by the way dont come off as a psycho when ur letting ur feelings be heard so it doesnt take the attention off the subject.

    My best wishes towards your prompt recovery

    Dr. Zhivago

  6. im sorry i take that last comment back 😄

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