Kuwait's Confession Box

Confession 55 – I am the Dirt Walked Upon

In Confessions on May 18, 2010 at 2:49 PM

i am dirt.
i am the dirt walked upon.
laying down, stepped by everyone.
i was never forgiven

my life was heading down, after the chalet incident (confession 52) everything seemed going down; my mom and dad divorced after my dad cheated on my mom. thats for another confession. another trade of secrets that passes by.

i tried to recover, it took me two years but i did it. i moved on. my life was getting on track, 7th grade with new hopes came. my best friend soon became my first love. we were inseparable. even in a young age we were strong as a couple. it went on for a year and a half. till the summer between 8th and 9th grade. we planned to go to chalet, the dreadful place on which i was violated. alone. together for a couple of days. and at that time i was at the peak. everyday i would get her breakfast in bed. it was perfect. we went back all smiles of a possibly the most romantic 3 days of my life. i was on the phone with her and i remember it vividly she was on her way to her friends house and we were talking all of a sudden i hear a bang..
an truck had just hit her car.
she was killed instantly.
i unknowingly closed the phone.
her friend calls me an hour later and asks me if i’d heard from her.
i tell her all i knew
then 30 minutes later. i get a call back.
it was her friend.
she was in tears. i could hear it. she tells me that she was killed. when i heard it at first i couldn’t believe it. i lamented everything.
i gave up religon, i gave up hope, i closed down. just like i had before. but this time it wasn’t fear. it was depression.
i didn’t get out of my room for 14 days.
i had lost 6 kilos.
all i had inside was 2 giant bottles of water and a chocolate bar.
i forced myself to stay in there. and when they came in to see me. they saw the most terrifying thing.
they saw blood. pills everywhere. it seemed as though i tried everything.
i came out for i knew that this world is cold. and i had suffered before. i knew not of anything. for all i care. i was dead.
i was in a world of mess. i was confused. “where do i go from here?” time went by. my sexuality was questioned. in the next few years i even went gay for a week because i actually thought i was.
i didn’t know who i was or what i meant.
i was broken.

  1. Admins should seriously consider changing the name of the blog to “Coming Out of the Closet”.

    Too much “gay” for me.

    • LOOOL! I stopped posting, so it’s just him ๐Ÿ˜›

      Ya7lailiik wallah! ;P

    • i would have to agree, coming out of the closet is alot more accurate for the new content emerging from this site, the guy got excited on the amount of sympathy he got when he was violated the first time now he wants to do it all over again, i’m not sure what the admins are thinking, i can’t see a confession, people die every 5 seconds, if everyone posted their sorrow this site would crash and be alot less interesting.

  2. Dear Abdul,
    Please believe that Allah yebly il3abd illy y7iba. He wouldn’t do that to you if he didn’t love you. Life is short. We should work for our future life, not this one.
    I’ve been through things that I thought I’ll never get through. But you know what, I did. I live a life that I never thought of ever living. How? I found out that there is no one as amazing, gentle, loving, forgiving, and stronger than Allah. He is the closer to you that your own veins.
    Go to your praying carpet, pray, and ask God for help. Then sit and say “astaghfer Allah” over and over again. These two words are magic, not words. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, these words will calm you down and make you feel peaceful.
    3asa Allah yehawin 3alaik oo ya36eek 3ala gad niyitik oo yis3idik bildinya wil aakhra ya rab.
    Take care, and I hope you never go through such thing again :*

  3. So what’s being confessed here? What are we expected to reply with? Aww you’ll get over it? and cry? well I did that in your last topic and you thought me rude. =/

    Congratulate you on losing 6 kilos? =/

    Looking forward to reading the rest of your story, seems interesting.

  4. Allah yir7am il bent…
    But the part about you being gay that’s just stupid, you’re still a kid you’re giving up life just cause one person died ? Allah yir7amha inshalla but life goes on man. Giving up for one person is the real gay thing you did here

  5. allah yer7amha wgamid ru7ha eljana, bes cummon man life goes on! every curse is a blessing inside! you can’t just stop life,because the moment you do, the second before you die, you will regret everything! eldenya is what YOU make it, it cud be good or bad depends on YOUR mood and point of view on everythin!

  6. Only one question: “Are you identifying your authentic yourself with the statement I m dirt?”

  7. ease up on the dude guys, there are choices in life that are forced upon people, a test of a persons mettle.

    Dirt, you have mettle, find your path.

  8. If you want your life to be a magnificent story, then begin by realizing that you are the author and everyday you have the opportunity to write a new page

  9. it’s stuff about me which i personally dealt with and haven’t told anyone.
    to me,
    these are my confessions.

    i’m shocked at some of the comments.
    like honestly i came her for help or atleast a supporting hand and i get comments like “too much gay?”
    i’ll get this out there for the people who can’t read.
    i am not gay.
    i questioned myself for a short amount of time.
    i find it offensive you’d even bash a person for being gay.
    aren’t all people created equal except in belief to God?
    some of the comments are insensitive i’d think a two year old was posting them.

    to George Orwell,
    and i look forward to posting them

    to everyone who actually commented in the polite way,
    thank you for any support you show me.

    i still have a couple more to confess. so if i get the courage to.
    i’ll be sure to do it.

  10. when you expose your short-comings, you make yourself vulnerable. be prepared to take the good, as well as the bad, from people.

    everyone is entitled to their opinion, some arent worth the pixels to display them.

    remember the sun screen song:

    Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

  11. God people are stupid.
    didn’t you ever learn about something called *EMPATHY* ?
    well you haven’t been through what he’s been through, you keep talking about the being *gay* part, while the whole story ISN’T about being gay.
    Dear poster of the confession – i understand what you’re going through, these actions you’ve done, even the sexuality questioning, it’s just a consequence of you feeling lost in this hell world.
    i understand. it’s awful.
    i would give you an advice on how to deal with it, but myself i haven’t found any answers yet.
    It’s not about god, it’s not about the world, it’s just life, it seems like some of us just seem to be thrown into some sort of hell eversince we’re born. nothing to do about it .
    even if you go to psychotherapy, and be put on antidepressants which some people might think would do you good, they’d really make you feel more lost, and feel like a dead man walking on earth – no purpose.
    i dont know why im typing eh.
    You’re not alone,
    I’m right there, feeling the same hell .

  12. Write a memoir

  13. i think it’s time to repost something.
    i’ve been seeing someone about the pain i felt.
    i feel like a prisoner in the office. but eh.
    it’s rehab of the mind i guess.
    life’s going slower now.
    i’ve chosen a road in life and i’m going by it.

  14. you know what… no
    it’s not going slow.
    it’s going great.
    i haven’t felt this happy for years.
    i’m feeling absolutely great.
    i’ve opened my eyes.
    i don’t need to be dirt anymore..
    cause i’m not feeling strange anymore.
    i’m for once. feeling good (:.
    thanks for all the support.

  15. What’s up with all the negative comments here? How can you guys be so fucking heartless?

    The guy is going through a very big dilemma and instead of helping or supporting him you go on and make fun? How immature is that?

    ู…ูˆ ู…ุชุฑุจูŠู† ุงู†ุชูˆุง ูˆุงู„ู„ู‡ ูˆ ุงู‚ูˆู„ู‡ุง ู…ู† ุบูŠุฑ ุดูƒ ูˆ ุจูƒู„ ุซู‚ุฉ ุจุนุฏ

    ุงู„ู„ู‡ ูŠุนูŠู†ูƒ ูŠุง Dirt

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